"God, just tell me what Your plan is for me and what I should do and I'll do that. It doesn't matter what I want."
Over and over I prayed.
His silence unnerved me.
Every worship service would end with, "Okay God, I don't know what you're doing but I trust you," and "You are good."
Over and Over: You are good.
"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
Refining and redefining trust, resting in His goodness, remembering His faithfulness.
I described it in faltering words, how He was narrowing my focus like a camera lens, widening my aperture-eyes to His very presentness, blurring the future to bring what I see here into concentrated focus.
A line from my devotional struck deep the other day: "Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest desire of your heart."
Life is not about what I do for Him, it's about who I am in Him. It's not about what college I go to and what classes I take and who I invest in and who I should marry someday and if I should spend my free time writing novels or studying Ancient Greek, or playing Skip-Bo with the little brother. It's about pressing into the heart of God, seeking to know Him deeper and trusting Him to work out the details. The greatest thing I can do for God is find my delight in Him.
I spend so much time running around looking for what I'm supposed to be doing for God, that I forget to stop, slow down and look for Him.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)
It's times like these, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and the sunrise, heart brimming with revelation and God, that I remember this life-to-the-full I've been striving after is not about how many things you can fit into your life.
It's not about scheduling and planning and to do lists and productivity.
It's about living full of God. It's about slowing down and "sucking the marrow" out of every moment.
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life." ~Henry David Thoreau
When we get so caught up in the next thing and what still needs to be done and what everyone else is doing, we lose something invaluable.
Neuroscientist David Eagleman suggests, "The more detailed the memory, the longer the moment seems to last. This explains why we think that time speeds up when we grow older, why childhood summers seem to go on forever, while old age slips by while we’re dozing. The more familiar the world becomes, the less information your brain writes down, and the more quickly time seems to pass."
Life is not a race. When we skim through our days, we are emptying our lives of gratitude and awe. We miss out on the glory of delving into the little moments, of lingering slow and drinking deep the wonderment of living fully present.
This has been my growing desire these past few weeks and perhaps even months - to love deeply, ever grateful for this life I've been given, to know the Father's nearness in every moment with childlike faith, to live simply and mindfully and intentionally and to the very fullest of my ability. And this...this feels more right than anything.