I come home and weeks pass.
I publish a post with no words.
My notebooks sit untouched. I haven't rhymed since that day of tears and innocent blood and questioning why. Except on my guitar.
I pick it up and finger the strings. Lyrics come and I lay them in lines then turn the page and forget because some songs only need to be sung once.
But I read and I study and I take notes and I dig because I have to know.
I'm missing something.
Now I'm back from Africa where everything was new and exciting and an adventure and I'm back to dragging myself out of bed in the morning and studying American government so I can graduate high school and this is it? This trying to push on to the next thing in life so I can really start living?
Why am I here again?
I unpack and cry for two days straight and I sleep off the jet lag. But something has changed in me again and I'm not satisfied with going through the motions because I need to live for something.
What am I living for?
I talk deep to one friend about true faith. His passion for the Word of God brings it to life.
I can't stop reading it.
I'm tossed back and forth between reveling in this deep Love that I have fallen into and wrestling with my nature of so quickly losing sight of the One who has so thoroughly captivated my heart.
Wrestling, always wrestling - like Jacob with the angel of the Lord - and waiting weary for my stubbornness to give and Him to teach me more of the name I've been given.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9
And it is in my weakness that He is strongest in me because I have no strength of my own to turn to.
"There is nothing else I need anymore..."
This deepening desire to know Him, to truly know the heart of my Father.
My prayer has been that of Moses: "If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so that I may know you and continue to find favor with you." Exodus 33:13
No matter what it takes, God, teach me Your ways because I want to know You.
Oh, this great Love that soothes and calms and heals. To know this wholeness in Christ as He breaks me deeper to heal the hidden, broken places. To know that every ache and disappointment in this life only serves to draw my heart back to Him and remind me that nothing else satisfies.
Break me, if that's what it takes. Because in the brokenness, I find You.
So I come empty and I find Him there.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11