My tea mug is empty and I'm eating the last piece of graduation cake.
The day came and it was interrupted with trips to the hospital and blood tests and x-rays and worry and wondering whether Mom or Dad would make it to the ceremony.
But I walked the aisle and Mom was there to make me cry and everyone was praying for our sweet baby girl with the fever of 105.
Our God answers prayer and she is laughing now and all is well once more.
Now back to life and figuring out what this new normal should look like.
Change.
I'm not sure I like it this time.
Friends are leaving to go to college and an old friend is moving across the country and I'm not sure I like being the one left behind.
They talk dorms and classes and boyfriends and I'm just standing here wishing time would slow down a little cause I'm not sure I'm ready to grow up.
I still wish for the long afternoons of exploring the woods and riding bikes with the kids down the road and when my biggest worry was about the boy in children's church who had a crush on me.
But now the boys are older and relationships more complicated and no one can be "just friends" cause someone always gets hurt.
And deep down I just want to hide away in my room and write stories where everyone wins in the end and risks don't have to end in heartache.
And deep down we are all just broken, hurting people who are too terrified to admit it.
If they really knew who we are, what we did, how we think...
Yet still we long deep inside to be seen thoroughly, known deeply, and loved inspite of and perhaps even because of our faults.
At least I do.
And I forget sometimes that I am, really.
I struggle to remember that I have One who knows me deeper even than I know myself and He loves because He understands.
I'm left breathless all over again at the thought...
This is what sustains me.
And I pray for it, plead for this hunger for the things of God.
That His mystery will leave me wonderstruck and satisfied, like that manna in the desert.
And I pray in earnest that I never grow weary and loose my appetite for this mystery I've been offered. (Numbers 11:4-6, 31-34)
Because in the end, He is the only one who will never change and I need that.
I need to know Him as my Constant One.
I know exactly how you feel, I love how you put this all out there so perfectly. <3
ReplyDeleteBtw, I'm coming to Springfield here soon and I'm pretty sure we'll get to hang out! Either at SDC or Rachel's graduation. :)) can't wait!!
Thank you, I'm glad someone related:)
DeleteYay! That will be fun! I hope we get to! :)
Sooooo.... I wrote this long and beautiful comment last night... And my internet shut off and deleted it. I will try to replicate it. But I know it will not be as good. :'(
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I am sooo glad that Lilly is better and that I got to share in your graduation day!!! :D <3 <3 <3 I love you soooooooooooooo much!!!!!
Second, growing up *is* hard... It's like trying to learn all the rules to a game, and then having them change all of a sudden. But you know, I think that part is kind of fun! You get to look at life in a new way and discover new adventures. Sometimes the hard way. Sometimes the easy way. ^_^
But I am so glad God *does* send the manna. Because I need that reminder, the hope, the little piece of miracle that reminds me He is there and cares and I am doing nothing on my own. That is wonderful. Fantastic.
And you know what's doubly awesome!!! We get to grow old and learn the new lessons and go through all this crazy life together. I find that awesome. :D <3 <3
Love you, my dearest friend!!!!!
This completely echoes my exact thoughts yesterday -- only 1000 times more beautiful. :)
ReplyDeleteOnce again you've brought tears to my eyes, my sweet girl. I love you and I'm so proud of you. You will transition this change with beauty and grace I have no doubt! My Momma's heart wants you to stay little too, just a little while longer. ;-) But I know that there is joy, so much joy, just beyond this bend in the road. New adventures to be had, new territories to conquer, new friendships to embrace, and a whole new world to reach with Truth and Beauty. And you are right, you will never be alone - He will be your constant source. Always there, always available, never changing in His love for you.
ReplyDelete